A (a_jew) wrote,
A
a_jew

And that blew back in my face.

So I just had a shitty night. I FLIPPED OUT at Adam for using gmail, for a shitty reason. Like, a super stupid reason. And he called me on it. I'm glad he did. We're cool now, but I almost lost a really good friend. I think I may have fucked things up with him a little bit, and I hope he knows how much I value what he does for me.

It seems like all my bridges are burning from one direction or another, except for FITV and Tech Support. Tycho won't talk to me, and he won't hang out with me. Like, he talks to me, but... He doesn't treat me like a friend. Dan and I are closer this semester. It's sad. What's worse is Jessie blames this all on herself, and it's got nothing to do with her. I can't seem to do right with any of my friends this semester, and it's starting to get under my skin. I'm doing better in my classes than I ever have. EVER. I get this shit, I OWN my major. I am an engineer. I'm a friggin' Electrical Engineer, I'm sooo close to being ready for the world... but I'm losing everyone else at the end of this semester. Everyone's graduating, and even though some could go here to get their masters... They could all do better. Tycho's a friggin' genius mad scientist and Keri's got the work ethic of a mountain goat. She figures out how to do ANYTHING. They can do so much better than Florida Tech and waiting around here for a year to have me leave.

That's fucking scary. Seriously. In like 750 days I'm going to be done with college. There's so much I want to do when I get out of here... and I don't know if I can make it. Hasbro's a 50/50 chance. Getting a job I even want is a small chance. Staying at FIT my entire life is a lock, but... that's the easy way out. I can't stop fighting and just wait to die. Staying here would be just that. Waiting for death. I NEED out.

I want to spend my first summer on my own in Japan, at the school Mike told me about. I'd like to spend 6 months in Japan after I get fluent and teach english. Then I could come back here and get that job at Hasbro with the knowledge of Japanese under my belt and just long enough that I could still pull a triple integral or the calculation of an e-mag field out of my ass. I know Jessie would be in, but could we make it? How would that work going to Japan? Why would Hasbro hire me and not anyone from MIT? I'm not so sure I'm destined for greatness anymore. I'm stuck in this loop of mediocrity. I can't have everything in my life on the good side. I'm doing well in my classes finally, but my friends are all distancing themselves from me. I'm living with the girl of my dreams, but I'm more stressed about stupid shit than I've ever been!

Ugh. I should quit FITV. It's not doing anything for me except stressing me out and fucking up my life.

Tycho, Keri, I'm sorry I havn't made the effort to be your friends, but it feels like your turning your backs on me. I miss you guys.

What the fuck happenned to Roberto? I thought I was supposed to see him like weekly. I didn't want him to come to the meetings, I wanted him to come to wing night. I want to go have some beers with Dave, Hibby and Tycho... but I have seen more of Scott Johnson than all three combined this semester. That makes me sad.

Jessie: This stuff isn't your fault, this post in no way is aimed at you.

PS: There's a Power Rangers thing in the Florida Mall tomorrow, mc chris is coming back to town, so's NFG, so's Saves the Day. I'd love to go get Sushi on Sunday, and I wish someone would just call and say hi.
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